Flange Krammer is an Olympic skiing sensation and World class ladies man.
He has broken the hearts of his rivals on the piste, and of a procession of underwear models and ‘Miss Bavarias’ off it.
Flange was raised by devoted single-mother and former circus strongwoman, Fanny. The identity of his father remains a mystery to this day, although he was born exactly nine months after David Hasselhoff visited his hometown of Hannover on a promotional tour for the release of Knight Rider series 2 on VHS in Germany.
Without the disposable income of many of his skiing contemporaries, and not living anywhere near a mountain, Flange taught himself his unique and devastating technique armed with a stolen copy of Otto Lang’s ‘How to Ski’. “The Streif at Kitzbuhel is a piece of piss when you’ve skied down a flight of stairs with two shatterproof rulers sellotaped to your feet.”
An unprecedented run of Alpine World Cup victories was brought to an end by a one-year ban after a failed post-race urine test. Twenty-seven different types of bar snack were present in the sample.
During his year off the slopes, a chance meeting with Dale Winton in a Turkish bath resulted in Krammer getting the job of presenting the German version of Supermarket Sweep – “Effiziente Einkaufbummel” (Efficient Shopping Spree). This, in part, led to a joint initiative by Sport England and Bracknell Dry Ski Slope to bring Flange to the UK to embark on his current lecture-tour entitled “The Perfect Squat-thrust”.
“My motto on the slopes is the same as my motto in the bedroom – get to the bottom as quickly as possible…” – F. Krammer